Teresa

Will it ever end???

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 04:46:01 GMT

Today has been a very bad day. Daniel lost 4 months off his release date...for being accused of something he didnt do....so we have to fight that now. I have never been more jaded about our prison system like I am now. You really dont understand the corruption that goes on inside those concrete walls until you know someone and love someone that has to endure it. The thing is...he is not the only one locked up. I am as well. I wait...patiently...for him to come home to us. I know that he will...I have no doubts about that...I just want it to be as soon as possible. And the prison system almost makes that impossible. Its an awful feeling. He is feeling overwhelmed. Now we dont know what is going to happen. He might get transfered. But I dont know for sure. I hope that he doesnt. I need for him to stay where he is. Only time will tell I suppose. I almost lost my job today. I guess it might stil be a possiblity...as long as I eat shit...I will be fine. I argued with my boss. And I know that part of it is the frustration of what is going on with Daniel. I need to stay strong...and focused. I need to get some rest. Tomorrow is a new day...maybe positive things will happen.

Feeling..

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 17:29:16 GMT

More optomistic today...and that almos scares me. I hope everything goes well this weekend...***knocks on wood***

"Honey you...

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 21:36:11 GMT

are my shining star...dont you go away "

Love that song...it reminds me of when I was little.

Today has been a pretty good day...all thats left is talking to my husband...and then the day will be even better. Its scary to be in this good of a mood...its very weird for me...Im just going to let it happen though.

I am tired...

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 06:46:39 GMT

Its been a long day....and I am still not asleep yet. Cheyenne is having a bad night and wont go to bed...she is crying in her room which makes me very sad. Our dog that we have is a terror...just when I thought it was getting better....its not...and I dont know what to do. I feel like my hands are tied. I hope tomorrow goes a little smoother. I got to talk to my husband tonight. He is feeling gloomy as well. And that makes me sad. I miss him...I hope that he knows just how much I love him. We have been through so much....I think he is feeling the effects of it tonight. He wasnt going to call me or anything...that is how gloomy he was. Him and Cheyenne....I just want them to feel better

Teresa and Daniel

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:21:07 GMT

Me and my love...he hardly ever smiles in pictures...so I was so happy when he gave a little smirk...

http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j262/butrfly420/teresa_daniel.jpg

WOOHOOO...

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:09:42 GMT

Went and saw Daniel this weekend...we had a fabulous visit. We talked a little serious about some things...but other than that...it was laughing and joking...just being together. I loved every minute of it. I wont see him for 2 more weeks....which is a bummer...but hey...money cant grow on trees. I love him so much...so much has changed with us...in good ways. He is not the same person he once was. Yes...he can still be a jerk...but who cant? I can be an even bigger jerk when I want to be. I just had such a good time. I cant wait to see him again. Just had to share

Wow its been a long time..

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 16:26:11 GMT

Since I have updated this journal. So much has happened. I dont even know where to begin. I dont even know if anyone reads this anymore...so maybe I will just use it for my own personl outlet. I need one these days. Still at my job...will be 8 years in April...thats unreal. Daniel and I got married...he is still locked up. Wont come home until 2010....my mom passed away in August 2006 and I take care of my grandma and my daughter. So much has happened...and in the mix of all of it...I am still trying to cope. Life just seems to get harder instead of easier...why is that? I feel like I am standing still while the world is moving around me. I wish I could enjoy it again...but I dont even know how. There is always something stopping me. Money....going and seeing Daniel....responsibilities. I am coping the best way I can....but I still feel like its not good enough. Ok...enough about this...I guess I should get back to work.

Happy Birthday Michelle

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 16:01:23 GMT

Sittin' in the morning sun
I'll be sittin' when the evening comes
Watching the ships roll in
Then I watch them roll away again, yeah

I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh
I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

I left my home in Fresno..... =P
Headed for the Frisco Bay
Cuz I've had nothing to live for
And look like nothing's gonna come my way

So, I'm just gon' sit on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

Looks like nothing's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same, listen

Sittin' here resting my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone, listen
Two thousand miles I roam
Just to make this dock my home, now

I'm just gon' sit at the dock of a bay
Watchin' the tide roll away, ooh
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

***Happy Birthday Michelle....my rock...my shoulder to cry on....my everything. This song reminds me of you because I know how much you love the bay and I know someday you will return and become a very successful photographer....and then I can come and visit or better yet...move in....and then we will never have to be apart....=)
No matter what happens in this life...or how many bad choices we make...because man...we make a lot of them....I will always be here for you....and no matter how far we are from eachother....I will always come running to your rescue....I love you more than I can ever express....and it only gets better from here...=)
I hope you have a great birthday....I love you
T-sa
Baby B

Its almost Christmas

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 22:36:06 GMT

i feel very distant from everyone. Friends that i have known for so many years....my family....everyone
Its my moms birthday tomorrow and I am not sure if she will make it to another birthday after tomorrow. She is doing so bad. Alcoholism is such an ugly disease.
i found out when Daniel will be released from prison....March 3, 2010. Which feels like forever away.
I know that I have made some bad decisions in my life....and I know that I have distanced myself from friends and family....and maybe part of it is because I am embarrassed by what has become of me....I dont know...
Michelle and I are going to be celebrating Christmas together...which makes me very happy. Maybe even Joe will show up...that would be cool.
Cheyenne will be with her dad...my dad will be out of town...Daniel is not going to make it =P so that just leaves Michelle and I and the kids.
Its a lonely time...

I am the self-torturous one

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 00:28:26 GMT

Hmm....i am not sure what to write....
I am trying to figure things out...I am learning a lot about my husband now that he is locked up. Its funny how that works....he goes to prison....and all of a sudden people tell you things that you probably wouldnt find out about if he was home. Why is that?
Its very interesting and confusing all at the same time.
You know how when you first meet someone you talk and talk and talk and even if you dont tell them your WHOLE life story...you still want to share? Well all that Daniel has told me is basically a lie. Its like I dont know my husband. What the hell happened??? I dont get it....*sigh*

I feel selfish

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 00:01:59 GMT

do you think its being selfish to be upset with daniel because my mom is really, really, really sick and i wish he was here to help me go through it and hes not?

i feel like i am being selfish...i know that if he was out....he would be here for me...but hes not..so he cant be....i cant even talk to him about it...all i can do is write to him whats going on...i just really miss him and i wish i had his arms around me telling me that things will be alright.

i feel very alone right now...its a bad feeling

work, work, work

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 19:52:09 GMT

its friday....finally....it just seems like the days are dragging on and on....i think i am just anxious to have time go by...but then i need to rememeber that i should enjoy life and not worry so much...i worry a lot...about everything....i need to just breathe...

i have cheyenne now....YAY!!! i am so glad....i love having her with me....its not so lonley at the apartment. she is such a good girl...a little bossy....but thats alright....i will just have to encourage her to use it for good...not evil...

not to much going on this weekend....i wish we had plans...but maybe we should just kick back at home and relax. that would be nice. or maybe take a drive...i would really like to do that..we need to go on one. its been to long...
well, i hope everyone is having a good day, and i hope everyone has a great weekend...=)

I miss simplicity

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 19:59:24 GMT

remember the days when all you had to worry about was homework and getting the school? or in my case...not getting caught by security because i wasnt in class...
now its....bills....money....love...life...ex's....
luke is really being a jerk about cheyenne. i am suppose to have her this week because she is on fall break from school...but because he is mad at me he is being unreasonable....
why did i let her go to school up there? it was such a bad move on my part....i knew luke was a control freak...but man...its gotten real bad over the years and now its all showing. i am so glad i am not with him anymore. i cant even handle talking to him now. all i want is my little girl...now i have to call a lawyer and see what can be done...its gotten that bad....and its so sad....because we use to get along so much better....maybe that was because i wasnt sticking up for myself back then...so i would let him walk all over me...

i miss life being simple...

I need a new icon

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 03:48:10 GMT

Dont get me wrong....i love the one michelle made for me...but how long have i had it now?? a long time. i just dont know how to do one....SOMEONE HELP!!!

in other news....one of my greatest friends and i got into a very big fight.....its weird because we have never fought before..we have gotten into little tiffs here and there, but not like today....i actually yelled....and i never do that with him....he called me while i was at work still, tells me that he wants to give me his drums (his main love). he had told me a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to give me his drums for my birthday, i was very honored. so now he still wants to give them to me. if he really wants me to have them, i will take them, but its kind of weird. we have a long history. but not with a lot of drama surprisingly. i do hope we can work it out. he called earlier and said he wasnt going to be able to come by. oh well...it is what it is...

in more news....i found out yesterday that daniels letters have not been getting to him. the reason being the postage that i was using...it was a postage sticker from my work...not just a regular stamp....i drew little hearts and stuff all over the envelope and you cant do that either....and i sent him drawings that cheyenne and i did....but you cant have crayon drawings....all this i did not know until last night when i got 2 of my letters back...so basically 2 weeks of letters gone. i have written him everyday for the last 2 weeks....its sucks so bad....i wrote to him explaining but i know he is freaking out....he told me in a letter..."how come your not writting me....are you mad at me...." stuff like that....there is nothing i can do though, which sucks...i wish i worked at the post office....i wish i worked for the judicial system...i wish..i wish...i wish...
i just hope daniel understands what happened when he gets my latest letter....i know its not my fault...but i feel so bad...he went from a bunch of letters and cards and poems everyday for 4 months...to nothing....i hope he doesnt give up on us...i know it sounds silly, but being in there can really screw with your mind...i will just have to be patient....i guess....
To Daniel, my love....be patient...the letters are coming.....

well i hope everyone has a really good weekend...cheyenne is here so that is always a plus....talk to you all later =)

I feel selfish

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 15:48:29 GMT

Because i havent gotten a letter from Daniel since Friday. I dont like feeling selfish. Its hard because he use to write me everyday when he was here at Fresno County and now hes not....I even sent him envelopes and paper. I know that i have no idea what its like to be in there, and i feel bad because i want to hear from him so bad and maybe i am just expecting to much from him. Anything can happen in there. They could be on lockdown, he could be in the hole, or maybe he just doesnt want to write. I dont know. I just miss him. I am still writting him everyday though. I dont want it to be that just because he is not writting me, I wont write him. Its different now....we are married...he cant get rid of me that easily...=)
I need to calm down about it. Its so weird though...waiting for the postman to show up with your mail. Usually you dont look forward to the mail coming because you know its just bills, but I cant wait for my mail to get there....and then i dont understand why my mailman doesnt show up until like 6:30 p.m. Im just complaining....I miss my husband....I hope hes alright.....

Four years

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 17:52:16 GMT

As everyone knows...Daniel and I got married.....which makes me SOOOOOOOOO happy, but he has been in jail for 4 months now....last Tuesday, he got sentenced to 6 years. Which if you break it down is......
he has already served 247 days (this is his whole time served over the past 4 years)
which will be applied to the 6 years
then they will give him a year off for parole...so thats 365 days taken off of the 6 years
then...because of his crime....he only gets 20% off of that....(most inmates get 1/2 time and all that)
so he will probably do about 4 years and a few months.....
i am having a hard time with it....
he is in wasco right now....and will be there for awhile....the only contact we can have is letters....and visiting....but he has to send me the visiting form and then i have to fill it out....they do a background check and then i have to be approved to see him....and that can take 4 to 6 weeks.....*sigh*
he cant call me....yet...and i dont know when he will be able too...they told me anywhere from 90 to 120 days....it depends....
i keep getting the same question....can you really do this?
i can
i know i can....its just hard to be without your husband....you want him home with you....i wont be able to sleep next to daniel for 4 years....and we already know we cant have conjugal visits....you have to qualify for that....and we wont....its a mess....im a mess....
and then i think...is 4 years really that long? and it is....i will be 33 when he comes home...cheyenne will be 12...its crazy....
i miss him....i have been writting everyday like always....and i will continue to write everyday....man...he is going to get A LOT of letters...
i guess i just needed to say all this outloud....i have been talking to michelle about it non stop...shes probably so sick of hearing about it....
i love daniel....i hope he knows just how much i love him....i really think we can get through this but i know the odds are against us....
but God will make sure we get through it....
ok...i think i am done now...=)

how long has it been???

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 19:32:09 GMT

soooooooo.....long....i know....
so much has happened....good and bad.....
but i keep on truck'n because that is all i know how to do....

byrd has a new girlfriend....at first it was weird, but then i think to myself.....why is it weird...it was bound to happen....and i am glad he found someone that he can care for....he likes to take care of people....i will admit...the last time i talked to him was bad.....i was mad....and i feel like i had a right to be mad....but maybe i should have handled it better....oh well...i cant take it back....
cheyenne misses him....and she asks about him....but byrd has shown his true colors to me and to her....so all that can happen now is healing....for cheyenne....i am glad he is happy...i would never wish bad on anyone.....its just funny how for so long you think one way about someone....and then in an instant....that thought is completely different....am i making sense??

on another note....i have just been living day to day trying to figure out what the future holds....i pray that good things will come mine and daniels way....he is such an amazing person....and yes...he has done wrong by me and others....but when you love someone unconditionally...you love them no matter what....i cant help the way i feel about him.....my heart belongs to him....what can i say....he's the shit!! =)
ok...i think i will stop babbling now...i hope everyone is having a good friday and i hope everyone has a very beautiful weekend =)

Happy Birthday She Breathes

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 17:03:37 GMT

i dont have any really cool pictures to post of us, so all i can do is write to you.

you have no idea how grateful i am to you. you have been there for me through the hardest times of my life and i know you will always be there. i think it is different when you are twins. the connection is so much stronger. you are not really 2 people, but one.
i love you so much and even though i know that things are really tough for me and you are so frustuated with me, you are still there. and i will always be there for you. i could not exist without you. i would not feel like a whole person. thank you for being such an amazing person and sister. everything about is so beautiful. your talent, personality & intellegence shine so bright, you light up the darkest skys. i love you with all my heart. i hope you have a great birthday

T-sa

I should be working.....

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 00:35:27 GMT

but i just have no motivation to do anything....i am babysitting micah tonight so it should be an eventful evening. i know cheyenne will love it. she loves being around micah. even though micah has a hard time being around her. i think its because shes just such a girl and he is such a boy. its cute when they are together though.
my brother is in town for a couple of weeks. i hope i get to visit with him while hes here.
tomorrow is mine and michelles birthdays. i wanted to get her something really great for a present, but i dont have the money, so i'll have to think of something.......what to do......
im glad i will have cheyenne for my birthday. that makes it the best birthday ever!!
well, i think i better open the mail now.....gotta work somehow =)

Encouragement

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 22:33:08 GMT

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Its been an interesting couple of weeks

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 20:39:36 GMT

i almost dont know where to begin....
i guess just from the beginning.....
you know....i dont really write that much in my journal, but when i do its ususally because i really have some things to get off my chest. and not a lot of people comment on my entries and thats totally fine, but in recent events someone read my journal (no one on my friends list) and saw an entry and because of that entry all hell broke loose between byrd and i. even though we have been broken up for awhile now we still reamined in contact every once in awhile and there was still that emotional tie between us. but now we are not friends anymore. at least thats what i am thinking. i know why were not and i understand his pain that he is feeling, i just wish everything would have come out in the open differently. we had been friends for a very long time and now its all over. we had both made some pretty shameful mistakes along the way and i can only hope that some day we will talk again....thats my hope anyways....

in other news....i got cheyenne back and i am so happy about it. she is student of the month again at school. im so proud. it had been to long since i have seen her.
im not feeling all to hot today. i missed work yesterday and i want to go home today....maybe in a little bit.
well, i think i will go and read a little before i have to get back to work. i hope everyone is doing well.

I just dont understand

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 16:42:47 GMT

some people i just dont get......i always seem to have some sort of drama in my life...whether it be family, boyfriends.....etc....but this sort of drama seems like its going to break me.....
amy....lukes ex-girlfriend (now shes an ex) is trying to get full custody of their son. she has taken him away from luke and now they are going to court over and over....luke got some custody. he gets to see his son every other week. but he wants 50/50. amy, of course, does not want that. she has had him arrested for things he hasnt done, and his lawyer fees are up the ass....NOW, she is saying that cheyenne, my 8 year old is hurting justice at night....justice is 2. amy is saying that cheyenne is practically molesting justice and being physically abusive with him......I AM BEYOND PISSED ABOUT THIS!! how dare she say those things. cheyenne is 8 and the sweetest girl i know.....yes, she is my daughter, but she couldnt hurt anyone.....i want to hurt amy so bad! i know that she is doing this because she wants justice to not be with luke. and thats between luke and amy, but now she is making it about cheyenne....and thats so messed up. now amy is filing a report to CPS about this....
i dont understand people like that....how do they sleep at night? how can they go through life and actually think they are a good person?? when you first meet someone, all you see is there good qualities. thats all that is shown, and then as time goes on and the true colors start to show, i am finding that most of the time, they were never good people at all....
cheyenne has no idea of what is going on. and i am going to keep it that way. it would destroy her. she doesnt deserve this. i cant believe it.....i am so beside myself

Where do i begin

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 21:12:11 GMT

sometimes things happen for a reason......
even if you dont want it too, even if you try to control the ways of fate.

its a new year and its not starting off very well....i have made some realizations and have tried to come to grips with the decisions that i have made, but i seem to be struggling with it.

i havent always been honest with my feelings...i hide a lot. i have such little privacy in my life that i cling onto whatever privacy i can. i want peace......i want calm.....i want what i use to have....love...
i dont have love anymore....i think i need to learn to love myself more...i dont love myself. the men that have come in and out of my life leave scars that take forever to heal. and even when i try to convince myself that i am alright, i dont really believe it. anyone who loves me gets hurt. and i am trully sorry for that.....i am sorry for a lot of things...please forgive me.....

What to do.....

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 03:26:51 GMT

i am at a point in my life where things could go 2 ways......
i feel like i am standing at a fork in the road trying to decide which is the best way. what if i take one road and its the wrong one....but what if i take the other road and THATS the wrong one????
why is life like this????
today has been a really hard day. and i just want to sleep and wake up and have everything be back to normal. but in my life, i am not sure what normal is anymore. its been so long. i feel so much pressure. not pressure that other people put on me, but the pressure i put on myself. i want to do the right thing. for me and cheyenne. but i dont know what i trully want.
i wish i had a fairy god mother to come and tell me which path to take. tomorrow (hopefully) i will have a better answer for this question that is in my mind. i hope......

cheyennes birthday is coming up really soon. she wants so many things for her birthday. everything she sees on t.v. she wants....remember those days??? life was so much easier then.
ok.....i better go....
goodnight everyone =)

It needs to be 5:00 p.m.

Wed, 10 Nov 2004 22:33:30 GMT

Only a couple of hours left.....but it seems like forever.....
our purchasing agent and a sales representitive are outside talking and its so funny to watch people who you cant hear, but see there movements.....he must be telling a great story because he is moving his arms all around and the sales rep is laughing......its really funny....
our purchasing agent has so many great stories to tell.....i love hearing talk....as long as hes not mad at me ;-)

is it 5:00 p.m. yet??????

ok....its only been a few minuets since last time......he he he